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Nagging, insulting, being defensive, provoking, passive aggressiveness, going silent—these are all familiar ways we engage in conflicts. Each of us has our preferred method.
Conflict is an inevitable part of our lives. In fact, healthy conflict is a characteristic of high-performing teams and any relationship, for that matter.
What truly matters is not the presence of conflict itself, but rather how we navigate and deal with it. Our approach to conflict has a profound impact on what becomes possible.
To be more specific, it is about being intentional when it comes to positive and negative experiences.
Dwelling on the negative
Which of the aforementioned approaches do you favor when dealing with yourself after something doesn’t work out in your life? How does it influence your relationship with yourself during those moments?
When negative experiences occur, we tend to swing to extremes. We may perceive ourselves as the worst person on earth or become so arrogant and ignorant that we fail to acknowledge any contribution on our part.
Regardless, we tend to hold on to these negative experiences. We continuously judge ourselves or others and dwell on the situation. We indulge in complaints and either make ourselves feel bad by self-judgment or feel good by judging others.
Focusing on positivity
How do you treat your positive experiences? How often do you truly savor, enjoy, and deepen these moments?
Often, we take positive experiences, successes, and happiness for granted. We consider them the norm and allow them to pass by without fully embracing them, always in pursuit of the next one.
In my coaching practice, I frequently encounter clients who arrive for sessions claiming that nothing is wrong in their lives at the moment, and therefore, they have no topic to discuss. In these instances, I ask them to reflect on one thing that is going well. These sessions often turn out to be insightful and emotional because we slow down, delve deep, and immerse ourselves in the beauty of positive experiences.
We often overlook the absolute beauty, rarity, depth, and learning potential within positive moments.
The five-to-one ratio
Research suggests that in a relationship context, for a relationship to remain healthy and stable, we need about five positive interactions for every negative interaction. However, for most people and teams, this doesn’t come naturally, especially in heated situations.
A strategy that I have witnessed working in both personal relationships and teams is to adopt a softer approach. For instance, consider acknowledging before criticizing. Recognize the other person’s contribution, acknowledge the potential for misunderstanding or your own flawed perspective.
Positivity in high-performing teams
Positivity is an often overlooked characteristic that fosters sustainable and high-performing teams.
Positivity must be consciously created and made visible. Moreover, when it is present, it should be further amplified. Positivity isn’t about naive kindness, the absence of conflict, or perpetual happiness. It involves choosing to cultivate joy deliberately, reflecting on and deepening the insights gained from beautiful moments, and intentionally celebrating our successes